I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
