i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
