Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So much rum. So many feels.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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