I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
