HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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