ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Randomize
