You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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