we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
