If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
