I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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