it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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