Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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