So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
