Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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