and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
