i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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