Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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