So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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