Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
