my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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