How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
