I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Everclear isn't food dammit
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
