She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
