he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
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