This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
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last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
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Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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