You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
