Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
