Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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