i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
