Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
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There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
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HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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