It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
