So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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