Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
