My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
