I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
