Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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