One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
