so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
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bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
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you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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