I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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