my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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