Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
