She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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