im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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