We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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