dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
