Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I need to stop coming to work sober
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
