I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
