I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
