Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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