I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
