Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
