Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
