If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
