You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
