Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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