just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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