i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
